"I will speak of thy testimonies also before kings, and will not be ashamed." Psalms 119:46 KJV
At the age of 13, I began having sexual interactions. Three years go by and now I'm 16, in constant lower pelvic pain and had been since my second interaction with a man. Shame and guilt of doing the one thing a kid shouldn't do kept me from seeking counsel or help. I kept silent and told not one person. Not even the one person I trusted most; my sister. I would lay in bed with worry of my unknown future. I could be at school and with no warning I'd get sharp daggering pains, which I couldn't stop. All the while masking my pain as best as I could. Finally, the pain was so severe I shared my distress with my sister and she talked me into seeing a doctor. I made the appointment! Knowing what pain I felt, I wasn't shocked to find I transmitted an STD called HPV. From the doctors comments "we missed that window to detect an early diagnosis" and because of my prolonged wait my situation went from incurable to now added procedures. This happened in the year of 2003 when a new unstudied STD was found and there was no known cure at the time. My reports came back and I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and told pregnancy would be a slim to no chance for me depending on treatment. When I had the biopsy & colposcopy the results from all the procedures and the second opinions were complete; I felt defeated. My first emotion was despair, hopelessness. I stopped listening to the doctor's reports and their planned medical procedures for me. I was shocked and felt as if I'd been given what was owed to me. I looked back on my small, meaningless, hard life and said within myself, "well, I guess I'm going to die." I had so many hardships up to that young age of 16. No known father, a mother in & out of prison, living with different family members, split from my siblings, living in hotels or homeless all while maintaining an GPA of 3.5. I was a honor roll student putting on a superficial appearance for school and officials and now this! I had two lives my "home life" miserable and reckless and my "school life" poised and perfect and they both just collided. I came to terms with my situation and shared my results with my sister and only her, but not to the full extent of my knowledge. I arrived home that evening and I can remember declaring, "If I die then I die! But Lord, I believe that you can heal me." I decided that moment, I wouldn't continue any medical procedures and that I would trust God and "be healed". Regardless the pains I felt, after that day, I ignored them and would say, "No! That is false pain, I am healed." My mind, my faith was in God! Ironically, I Didn't know God, I didn't give my life to him yet but I trusted Him. I just knew I could! Something was planted in me and was birthing faith! In my ignorance I chalked it up to my being in catholic school and my earliest memories of praying to Jesus in secret and not "Mary" when we were taught to. Looking back now I can say without a doubt the memories that flooded my mind were by the Holy Spirit drawing me to Him, in that still small voice I could hear Him say, "there is A God" in my Spirit. That is what I believed and I believed it was Jesus! Although I chose healing over the reports of the doctors I still allowed myself to wallow in depression & anger. I started heavily drinking and using drugs to medicate myself. I became angry someone could do that to me, be irresponsible and give me an STD. I also was very depressed I might not become pregnant. I became very reckless with my own body and life choices. At age 17.5 I found out I was 3 months pregnant. I was still using drugs but quit drinking. I was filled with even more guilt & shame. I had in my mind "The American Dream". Regardless my circumstances I'd graduate, get married, have kids and have that house and white picket fence and being a young mother and a baby didn't fit into that plan! I immediately went to a planned parenthood to schedule an abortion. As I waited for my paperwork, I was asked if I'd talked to a counselor first before making this decision. I agreed. This worker not only advised me of my options but helped me make a braver choice to keep my child and face my consequences. She then proceeded to ask me of my faith and beliefs. She told me about Jesus and how He can be my Lord & Savior, and if I wanted to ask Him into my Life. I did. Broken, afraid, young and pregnant I asked Jesus, God's son, The Lord into my heart. I left that place with my unborn child. It wouldn't be until month 5.5 I finally was eligible to have my first medical visit. It wasn't a good report. That medical visit reported A very rare case that caused the membrane to rupture and caused deformities to the fetus's growth and vital organs. Here's just a few details about the fetus: it's heart was placed exposed above the chest with only a thin layer of skin shielding it, it had no genital organs and half of the limbs were missing, not grown accurately or in the wrong place. The baby once conceived wouldn't live long and I couldn't bear any chances at putting my life at risk. I was given further details of my own high risk deliver and complications. I made the wisest choice known to me and proceeded with an abortion. I had a clear conscience and felt it was God giving me mercy. Taking this thing I did and taking it from me. Just as He does when we come to salvation. We deserve death because of our sin but he took that place for us and gave us life. God used my shame for His glory! Used my horrible decisions and allowed me a chance to come to a place in my life that I could find Him! God is so merciful to forgive my sins and He can forgive yours too!